Twats Speak

Life's Lil' Playthings

2008-01-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Short, long, furry or spiky, playthings are a must for twat's everywhere. And for those that bite, remember to keep them on a leash.

Pussy Whipped

2008-01-14T07:59:00.001-08:00

Hi, it's me, Richard Head. My friends call me Dick. They constantly tell me I shouldn't be pussy-whipped, instead, I should whip that pussy. I think they keep urging me on because it's hard on them when they need a fourth head for their weekly Mahjong game, and I'm out with my honeymunch. But I cunt help it, I seem to want to roll wherever she does.

On Blindsight

2008-01-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Richard Head. But my friends call me Dick. I enjoy slow rolls in the park and attend weekly yoga classes. When I'm not touching myself, I enjoy watching Grey's Anatomy, baking and turning tricks. Unfortunately, I have a low blood count and can't multi-task. Even Mr Robin Williams said that God made us and gave us a brain, but we only have enough blood to run one at a time. So don't judge us if we miss anything.

A Lesson In Lip Service

2008-01-07T09:38:00.001-08:00

EMMAHOLIP: Giving good head is a fucking science.

SERENE LABIA: Tell me about it. Usually there's a pool of liquid, and most of it doesn't even cum from me.

EMMAHOLIP:Yeah, those slobbering idiots. Thank god I know a thing or eight about giving good head. It's all about reading the signs.

SERENE LABIA: Please indulge me. I'm sick and tired of tongues wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland.

EMMAHOLIP: Ok let's break it down.

SERENE LABIA: Please, open the floodgates, wiki wiki wah wah.

STEPS TO PAYING GOOD LIP SERVICE

Step 1
Make like a amphibious vehicle and hover over the bush for around five seconds before the first lick.

Step 2
Never bite.

Step 3
Spread the labia walls like the red sea and dive in.

Step 4
Start slow and then increase the intensity until you find yourself licking like a St. Bernard.

Step 5
Be sensitive. Figure out what kind of twat you're dealing with.

Step 6
Work the clit like you would an earlobe. Ever elusive, run the entire tongue over it and add pressure where it's most sensitive.

Step 7
It's all about rhythm. Try chanting in your head 'hai-yah-yah, hai-yah-yah', it may not alter consciousness or evoke psychic power but it will prevent inconsistent action that will only result in a delayed response.

Step 8
Keep going several seconds after orgasm, but be mindful that the area is ultra sensitive. Make like a St. Bernard [again] and lay your tongue down like a soggy carpet.

Twats On Tops

2008-01-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

Twat 1: House of Holland has finally realised an untapped demographic.

Twat 2: Toe alley! With all those ReadySetHo parties, I can't imagine not wearing these fabulous tease.

Twats Haute

2008-01-07T09:33:00.001-08:00

A Walking Advertisement

2007-12-26T18:33:00.001-08:00

From the Chee Bai Duo comes a range of accessories made for the modern cunt

Britney's Next Of Kin

2007-12-25T21:07:00.002-08:00

Jamie Lynn Spears is keen on following in the footsteps of her big sister.

Amy Whitetrash (But we twats love her)

2007-12-25T21:07:00.001-08:00

Liquidating Assets

2007-12-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

You Pricking Cunt

2007-12-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

A Very French Bakery

2007-12-25T21:04:00.001-08:00

'If bread is the first necessity of life, masturbation is a close second'

Don't just say it. Spray it.

2007-11-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

'Maybe you should consider a lighter material, you're one lubricated vadge.'

2007-11-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

After giving birth to three giant-sized children, I just cunt keep anything in anymore.

2007-11-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

I'm a twat! You're a twat! We're the singing-skipping squad!

2007-11-26T10:14:00.001-08:00

Niki's no virgin when it comes to Kegel exercises!

2007-11-26T10:09:00.001-08:00

Love it or hate it. This 'I'm Not A Chee Bai' bag is a must have for all aunts, we mean cunts.

2007-11-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

Shopping Stimulates Me

2007-11-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

2007-11-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

A Slippery Mess

2007-11-20T09:49:00.000-08:00